The most rewarding yet frustrating endeavor of man is raising children. This truism is brought home forcefully in this week's Torah reading. Rivka and Yitzchak, after twenty barren years and many unanswered prayers have the twins Esav and Ya'akov. Even before they're born Rivka experiences the tension which raising children can cause. The midrash records that when she passed a house of idolatry Esav struggled to emerge, and when she passed a place of Torah Ya'akov strove to exit. At last she was advised that she had two very different powers developing within her. This dichotomy continued until even the doting (a cynic might say oblivious) father had to notice. Planned parenthood definitely doesn't mean things turn out as planned. This parsha therefore, can best be described as the section of parenting. I'd like to explore a few rabbinical comments on the topic. I'm not sure it will improve my parenting, but at least I'll get an article out of it.

The reading itself is called Toldot which can be best translated as 'offspring'. The word comes from the root for child and birth. Rashi on the word says we're talking about Ya'akov and Esav, Yitchak's children. There maybe other issues discussed but our true topic is the boys. But the verse seems to throw us a curve. Right after we announce that we're talking about these boys, the verse states, "Avraham gave birth to Yitzchak." Well, I already knew that. So, Rashi steps in with a famous midrashic insight, "The scoffers of the generations went around saying that Yitzchak must be the child of Avimelech. So, Hashem made Yitzchak look just like Avraham, and all testified to the parentage."

Rashi's grandson the Rashbam has a slightly different take. He says the previous reading ended with a list of the generations or offspring of Yishmael, and now we'll discuss the progeny of Yitzchak. But Yishmael is also defined as the son of Avraham. Here the Torah emphasizes the primacy of Yitzchak as the one to whom Avraham gave birth and is his heir, hence the repetition. Reb Ovadiah S'forno explains the expression Toldot to mean "the offspring of his days, his events and happenings." This viewpoint, which the S'forno expresses as the literal approach to the text is based, as well, on a midrash, "one's true offspring are his good deeds."

Many commentaries combine these two ideas, that toldot refers to both children and accomplishments. Our actions and activities contribute to the nature of our children. Children don't listen to hypocrisy. If we tell our kids not to do something which we ourselves do, what do you think they'll eventually do? "Do as I say don't do as I do" doesn't work. The sum total of our deeds becomes our dual legacy. The only chance we have to get the progeny we want is to act out what we want of them. But how big is that 'chance'?

The Tiferet Shlomo points out that the chidush or novel idea in the statement "Avraham gave birth to Yitzchak" is that Yitzchak was the true heir to Avraham even though they represent different approaches to life and religion. Avraham champions love, kindness and one's duty to his fellow man; Yitzchak stands for strength of character and divine service. But Yitzchak views himself as the logical extension of his father. He doesn't blaze a new path, rather he adjusts the existing route. That's the way it is with children. We err when we expect clones (and maybe even clones won't live up to our expectations, stay tuned for that outcome). The most we have a right to expect is a tendency in the same general direction we travel. They must accommodate their own character.

Now, we can begin to understand apparent parenting failures (ignoring for the moment true failures, where the parents clearly made the wrong moves). Even in great successes the child turns out dramatically different from the parent. The Maor V'Shemesh explains that the verse hints at something special happening between Avraham and Yitzchak by the use of the word 'holid' in the causative, rather than 'yolad'. This implies that something more than biological birth took place. When the child becomes disciple it is because there was a particular character fit.

So, when the personalities don't mesh, there can be disaster of the Yitzchak-Esav variety. On the other hand, even though I'm categorizing this as failure, there were positive, but limited, benefits. Even Esav recognized the spiritual greatness of Yitzchak. Therefore, Esav wanted his blessing and showed him great respect. All a parent can do is the best one can. Be the best yourself you possibly can and pray for the rest.

This brings us to an idea developed by the Malbim in his collection of sermons, Eretz Chemda. Reb Meir Leibish states that the determining principle comes from parshat Noah. The verse states, "These are the offspring of Noah, Noah...(himself)" The true issue of Noah was himself. The Malbim says, "The essence of giving birth is nobility of the spirit. When the zadik ascends the rungs of the spiritual ladder he births himself and acquires a superior soul and a spirit soaring ever higher which constitutes his true birth." A successful religious life is always renewing and delivering an improved soul. This is perhaps what the verse means by the expression 'Avraham holid et Yitzchak' or causes Yitzchak to birth himself. The greatness of Avraham was that he not only birthed and developed himself but bestowed this ability and impetus upon Yitzchak.

The English poet William Wordsworth expressed a similar (but limited to the person himself) idea:

My heart leaps up when I behold a rainbow in the sky:
So was it when my life began;
So is it now I am a man;
So be it when I shall grow old, or let me die!
The Child is the father of the Man; I could wish my days to be
Bound each to each by natural piety.

I grow but retain certain wonder that builds a 'natural piety' which binds me to the process as well as to Hashem, the propagator. But I want my perspective to evolve. When I read Huckleberry Finn as a youth I enjoyed the funny and daring escapades of Huck, in high school during the turbulent 60's I read it as a manifesto for social equality, later I found myself swept up in the currents of a metaphor for life. I yearn for a fresh, yet developing viewpoint in nature, literature and Torah. My favorite Bible story or midrash should mature from 'Wow!' to 'Hmm'. I honestly quote King David every day, "Sing a new (fresh) song to Hashem." This is what Avraham bequeathed to Yitzchak, and he to us. Successful parenting consists of bestowing this most precious legacy upon our dual offspring, ourselves and progeny. I pray Hashem grants us the strength to discover and rediscover nature, Torah, and ourselves.

If you want to verify your existence, send a note to: rwalk@www.ohrtorahstone.org.il

Return to Home